About Last Weekend

I danced in the middle of the floor, with music thumping overhead.

thud. thud. thump.

I was already buzzed from my third drink of chivas. I was surrounded by men.

Then I realized, sometimes life is about dancing with yourself and being okay with it.

Sweet.

Attraction

I have a crush on someone at work. He's cute, Chinese, tall and makes me laugh. He rides a motorcycle and looks oh so sexy when he gets on and off it. His leather jacket just make me go crazy. When we talk I just want to kiss him on his pouty, red lips. I imagine pursuing this crush since he seems to flirt back and my gaydar goes off when we talk.

But...

I'm his boss. Yep, I am his boss.

I don't wish to complicate my life at work. I don't want to break my own rules. I've already broken quite a few--including taking up smoking. But seriously, dating an employee...I can just imagine what would happen. Sexual harassment suits and all that.

If my head keeps on arguing against it, then why do I keep asking the What if's?...

What if I did kiss him?
What if he kissed me?
What if he did ask me out?

It's another slippery slope.

Slippery Slope

One wrong decision in life can lead to circumstances of which you have no control. One bad choice might lead to another. This is what I have tried to avoid--the slippery slope. My friend Eric, on the other hand, is admittedly spontaneous and a little dense. He fell in love with his boss (who was straight), moved in with him and basically became the sugar mama. Eric paid for everything including the drugs which they used. The relationship finally broke up in June, much to my relief. But the repercussions are still being felt--only by Eric.

He was fired from his job because he did something illegal.

Now there's even more drama, he got a girl pregnant. Against my Catholic sensibilities, I advised the girl to get an abortion. From my assessment, it is the only sensible choice. My friend doesn't even know himself and is in no way ready for a child--neither is the mother. But still the pangs of Catholic guilt hang over me.

I love him like a brother and sometimes I just want to slap him in the face and tell him to grow up and accept who he is.

I don't need my own drama. My friends have more than enough for me to handle.

I tried that luv thing for the last time.

This is how I feel right now. I feel a song coming on...

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How did you get here
Nobody's supposed to be here
I've tried that love thing for the last time
My heart said no, no
Nobody's suppose to be here
But you came along and changed my mind

I've spent all my life
On a search to find
The love who'll stay for eternity
That heaven sent to fulfill my needs
But when I turn around
Again love has knocked me down
My heart got broke and oh it hurts so bad
I'm sad to say love wins again

So I placed my heart under lock and key
To take some time and take care of me
But I turn around and you're standing here

This time I swear I'm through
But if only you knew
How many times I've said those words
Then fall again, when will I ever learn

Knowing these tears I cry
There's probably black butterflies
Must take a chance
And spread my wings
Love can make ya do some crazy things

A Visitation

I just got home from an evening with a former chatmate and my best friend. Chatmate was in town on business and contacted us saying he wanted to meet.

It was one of the best evenings ever. He's really a catch! Seriously though, he's intelligent, witty, humble, and cute! But I would put him in the 'friend' category. There just was no spark. He was all over my best though, caressing his arm, the lingering looks. I think they would make a great match except he lives up North and my friend lives down here. Long distance relationships never work out.

Dinner was fantastic with delicious freshly grilled seafood with a view of the water and sunset. Chatmate wanted to check out the nonexistent gay scene in Tampa, which I obliged. The first gay bar was empty and the other gay bar was closed.

We ended up in Starbucks.

He regaled us with stories about San Francisco, his hometown, and I was enthralled. I wish I could live in San Francisco. It seems like a magical city. He confirmed the feeling I got when I visited there. It felt like home. I really want to move there even more so than before.