Attraction

I have a crush on someone at work. He's cute, Chinese, tall and makes me laugh. He rides a motorcycle and looks oh so sexy when he gets on and off it. His leather jacket just make me go crazy. When we talk I just want to kiss him on his pouty, red lips. I imagine pursuing this crush since he seems to flirt back and my gaydar goes off when we talk.

But...

I'm his boss. Yep, I am his boss.

I don't wish to complicate my life at work. I don't want to break my own rules. I've already broken quite a few--including taking up smoking. But seriously, dating an employee...I can just imagine what would happen. Sexual harassment suits and all that.

If my head keeps on arguing against it, then why do I keep asking the What if's?...

What if I did kiss him?
What if he kissed me?
What if he did ask me out?

It's another slippery slope.

I Always Catch My Breath

I dropped off Sam early this morning at the airport. He'll be spending the Holidays with his family in Thailand. The night before, I baked him brownies (of the Betty Crocker variety) to take with him. Yes, I'm corny like dut!

We spent the night together and he was ever so sweet and repeated how much he was going to miss me. I didn't say I was going to miss him too. Too mushy mushy since he's gonna come back in January anyway.

As we neared the airport, he held my hand, squeezed it tight. He didn't let go 'til I pulled over in the terminal. He leaned over and kissed me tenderly and said "Thanks."

I just said take care.

On the drive to work, I bawled like a two year old. Yes. I miss him.

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Timing is Everything

Where'd the TIME go? Next week it'll be Thanksgiving and after that Christmas. Thanksgiving really kicks off the star of the Holiday Season here in the US. In fact, the Friday after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday. It's when there are really great sales early in the morning. Only hardcore shoppers--like my Mom--are the ones who really go. She did get great bargains though like a great digital camera for less than a $100 and a laptop for less than $300.

I really should've started my Christmas shopping already and began the process of sending cards. I also have finals, term papers, and a pseudo relationship to juggle. I've been spending way too much time with Sam, and not enough with my Accounting books. Hence, I bombed my last Accounting test. Then there's also work which has kept me oh so busy.

I wish there were 48 hours in a day.

I gotta go and write my paper now about International Financial Institutions and how they act as an informal World government.

But right now, All I can think of is snuggling up next to Sam.

Wish me luck.

Happiness?

I'm writing this while sitting up in bed. The lights are turned off and the TV is silently playing on mute. The temperature is a cool 72 degrees (thanks to airconditioning). My 600 thread count sheets feel so soft.

Most of all, Sam, TB, my special friend is silently snoring next to me. I forgot how nice it is to just sleep next to someone. He looks too gorgeous and dare I say cute sleeping in his boxers.

At his moment I can truly say I an Happy.

Quality Men

A friend e-mailed me this post he found on craigslist. It's pretty long, but I feel it applies to ALL Gay men out there! You know who you are...

I am a gay guy. I'll get that out of the way first. Grossed out by the boobs, turned on by the cock. It's a fact of life for me and there ain't no changin' it. I accepted it many years ago and life has been great ever since. I will also say here that I am a “quality guy”. I have a career that I have absolutely loved for the past 13 years, I have a wonderful long term partner of over 10 years, a wonderful daughter, vital relationships with supportive friends and family, lots of fun interests and hobbies, I volunteer and give back to my community. Oh yeah…and I know how to have fun in the sack to boot, AND I have been faithful to my other half for the whole time we’ve been together (and he to me). Go ahead and trash me for calling myself quality, but I know I am. I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means. I have my faults like anyone else, but I’m reasonably sure that I would be perceived as quality by most people.

OK...so now my point. I am amazed at the number of postings from gay men on this site who are complaining about the lack of "normal", non-racist, attractive, monogamous, non-druggie men out there. It truly is incredible to me. It makes me wonder if we are living in the same place!

If you scroll down a ways on this Rants and Raves list today, you'll see a posting from a gay Asian guy who laments the fact that the gay community is totally focused around white gays. I totally agree. But I had to laugh at his posting as he went on to say that he meets guys at clubs and online. THAT’S what he is judging the gay community by? How lame is that? Does he see Asian guys throwing themselves at White guys at book club meetings and running clubs? I’m guessing not. Post after post I read gay guys complaining about the lack of quality gay men out there and almost all of them talk about some creepy online experience or a bad scene at some bar or club.

To all you gay men who are complaining…do you realize there is more to life than meeting guys in bars and online? My God...you live in one of the major hubs of culture, academia, sports, you name it, and you're trolling for quality guys on the Internet or at Badlands?

Do you all know that getting your dick sucked or getting banged is not the center of your existence? Sure it’s fun and I’d never turn down an opportunity for either, but there is so much more to life than just being defined by being attracted to a penis. Make yourself more well-rounded than that. Quality guys can sniff you out in a second if you’re just horny. What more do you have to offer after you’ve both cum?

For all of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, here are 10 suggestions for how to find that quality guy. They are all based on common sense, but I have found them to work well for me:

1. Do you have a hobby or interest other than sucking cock or getting fucked? If you do, then join a club/group/social group around that interest or hobby. It doesn't have to be a gay club. Just join a club or group. You will meet people there who like the same thing you do. You will be yourself there (and not some phony posing at a bar or hiding behind a screen name) because you will be in a place where you actually enjoy what's going on. Do you enjoy spending hours on the Internet trying to find a hook-up? I’m guessing not. The hooking up is fun, but not the endless searching. If you join a group you won't meet a one night stand or boyfriend there most likely (although it could happen, huh?), but you will meet other people who know other people who know other people. It's like that lame MySpace site although in actual real life! Amazing, huh? Who knows? Maybe one of those people will invite you to a party and introduce you to the man of your dreams. And chances are that he will be a quality guy because the people who accepted you into their club or group or going to hold everyone else up to the same standards, whatever they are.

2. Go out and give back to others. Instead of trolling around the Castro or Gay.com, get off your ass and volunteer somewhere. Project Open Hand, Stop Aids, Equality California --- they all could use volunteers and are positively TEEMING with gay men who are all united behind a common purpose. Are those causes too "gay" for you? Then volunteer at St. Anthony’s Dining Room or Glide Memorial. Too religious for you? Then go do a Google search online for other volunteer opportunities. Help out at the Humane Society, be a mentor for a young person, go read stories to the local kindergarteners in your neighborhood. When you volunteer, you will meet other people who are selfless and who enjoy helping others (i.e. those “quality” people you are looking for). Quality guys appreciate someone who understands that life is not all about you. It’s also in part about helping others and learning about other people. If you don’t like to do either of those things, then I suggest you look inside yourself to see why not. You’re not a quality guy if you do not have this aspect of your personality.

3. Go out and get some exercise. No…I don’t mean go to a gym in the Castro and cruise the steam rooms for sex. Set a goal for yourself. Tell yourself you will spend a year training for a marathon (or a 5K, or a half marathon, or 3 miles) and then run it. Train for the AIDS Ride and then do it. Go for a run in another part of the City from where you live. Get out of your rut. Join a running club. There are lots in San Francisco and all over the Bay Area. It doesn’t have to be one of the gay running clubs, by the way. Remember, you’re not living your life around the sole idea that you are gay. Change your mindset that you are a runner, or a cyclist, or a weightlifter, or whatever. People who say they “hate exercise” come off as not quality. If you hate to run, find something you do like – dance, rowing, swimming? You do not have to be a porno god with bulging biceps and perfect pecs. Quality guys appreciate someone who takes the time to take care of their body in any way. This doesn’t mean hit the gym 7 days a week. It doesn’t mean you are 6’2”, 190 with a tapered waist. It means get some exercise, eat well, go to the dentist regularly. Show some pride in yourself by taking care of yourself.


Read the rest of the post here.

Sex & Music

When it's time to get into a seductive mood, my special friend TB likes to use music to well...seduce me. One night we made out while listening to Les Nubians...





And another night it was John Mayer.




You know sex is sooooooo much better with music.

Giddy!

I got a call from K....late...very late last night. I felt happy. It's indescribable. I really missed him. We talked for about an hour and it felt so right.

I just love love love this song...


Toodles!

To K.

It gets worse at night.
That's the time when the two of us usually talk and I was oftentimes half asleep.
You would tell your stories and I would pretend that I wasn't listening when in fact
I hung unto every word.
I miss those nights.
I also miss how you insist on "sleeping together" by not hanging up the phone.
We can hear each other sleep. While you were dreaming of happy thoughts, I would whisper,
"I love you"
on the phone.
I don't think you ever heard me.
I just didn't have the heart to say it when you were awake.
Would it have mattered?
Would things turn out diffrently between us?
I don't know.
Past is past.
What I do know is that I love you.
You grow fonder in my heart everyday.
I just wish you were mine. I just wish things could've turned out differently.
Is it too late?
Is it ever too late to say I'm in love with you?
I will never run out of hope.
I will always leave my heart ajar for you K.

Mood: Love sick

John LVoes Neverfull and his Lovelife SUCKS

I happened to glance at Chuvaness' blog and I saw a new, fantastic, wonderful, thing...the NEW NEVERFULL BAG Click CLick to see pictures...

(All photos Courtesy of Chuvaness)

I am thinking of getting myself one, but I probably will never have the chance to use it. I live in the homophobic SOUTH y'all know that...The next best thing is to give one to mommy dearest. She'll just adore it. Plus, her birthday's only two months away. I LoVe LoVe LoVe the lining!
This bag is so Chica. You can put anything in it...

~~~~~
I spent Wednesday night at my Auntie Ayres' vacation house in Citrus County, FL. Nothing is in Citrus County Florida except for orange groves and rednecks. I used to think that I liked country life, uhhm I really was thinking more along the lines of a hacienda like in Oro,Plata, Mata with maids and servants...hehe. Anyway Auntie parted with a piece of encouragement after I stated that I was never going to find anyone "You'll find the right person someday"...Person...not girl...I think Aunty has caught on. We were always very close and share much of the same traits (both of us are Virgos). She'll be turning the big 5-0 this September, but don't tell her that 'cuz she thinks she's only 40.
~~~~~

I finally got a chance to speak with K thorough ym. I told him that everything I said when I was drunk in San Francisco was true. He was shocked. Bah! He's moving to the US very soon and wants me to visit him. I said we'll cross the bridge when we get there. Am feeling love sick again...

Cowardly Love Sick Me...

I'm a coward. Should I fight for the man that I love? He does have a bf now. One side of me says that I should, while the other says that I really really should pick up what pride I have left and simply leave him alone. Leave him alone. The thought just digs into my brain. I don't think I can leave him alone. I miss his voice way too much. He always knows how to make me laugh. His current bf is someone that he speaks very highly of and I really can't pass judgment on the guy (the bf) since I really don't know him.

This is driving me insane.

It's something that I want but I *THINK* I can never have. So here I am at 2AM in the morning still thinking. Still thinking. Should I woo him? I don't know. I don't want to seem pathetic (I probably am in his eyes). Bah! Who cares what the world thinks! I just wish that he would take notice; that he would speak to me. I just admitted to myself and to my friends that I do love him and that each time we speak is special to me. I want him to know that I still still still have the song that he sent to me months ago. I told him he was corny, but inside I relished it. Why do I do that? Do I fall in love too easily? Was he just being kind? Was he just flirting? Was he serious? Holly GoLightly!

This infatuation won't die down easily.

It never does.

Soooo Here I am at 2 AM. and all I want to do is here his voice. But I'm too much of a chicken to call him.

Mood: Sad :(

Thinking at Night

So Here I am in the middle of the night and am still as restless as evarrr. I can never force myself to sleep because it makes me reflect on my life especially my love life or rather the lack thereof. I can't stop thinking of HIM and HE knows who he is...I just wish we could be together. Damn the Distance!
I know. I know. LDR's never work out etc. etc. I just loved how he can see right through me. It must be nice to have someone. I guess...I really really really like him and miss his voice and our conversations. I should just swallow my pride and call him. But the last time I did was in SF. I was drunk. My bff's said I said something to the effect of "I want to have sex with you at the St. Francis Hotel where we can have a view of Union Square and Louis Vuitton." Apparently I kept on telling him I much I loved him and he replied I love you too ( I think. I hope.)
Nothing will ever come out of it. He has a bf now.

I got this quote from flash's blog:
"But don't get me wrong, being not an irreplaceable person doesn't mean always mean that you're a very good person. The other person, who might think he isn't good for you, may feel he isn't irreplaceable, so he'll exit himself out of your perfect life..."

Exit out of my perfect life. I miss him. I'm becoming a desperada.

I made my super secret plans known to the parentals: That I would move to SF after I graduate. They were kinda happy. Mother plans to buy a house in the old country and start some sort of business (she's not that good at handling money). Dad want to move to Seattle (I'm dubious about that plan). They figured they can move to the West Coast. I think all of us have had enough of the Sunshine State. Too much sun. Too much cancer (poor dad got skin cancer last year. it's ok now though). and TOO MANY OLD PEOPLE! People come to Florida to die, as my friend Tom always said. I always thought they'd get divorced. But now separation is in the negotiations. Divorce is icky and messy. Kaloka! ang parentals ko!
Anyway I realized that I was getting older. Old enough that my parent's don't just dismiss my ideas...Ah! the power of youth!
Mother absolutely loved her new LV damier azure pochette. Something she can put her makeup in. Something she can stick inside her even larger bag.

One of my purchases in SF was a body scrub made from Dead Sea Salt and body butter from Onsen. I was apprehensive in purchasing at first since I only use Clinique. But the body butter smells so goooood on me. Wish I had a b/f I can share it with. hehe. :( But I don't. Oh well.

I love love love H&M! I wish there was one here in the land that time forgot...errr Tampa. At least we have LV, Dior, Neiman, and Saks.

Thnks to Tactology for the comment. You can read his blog. Here.

The Kiss

Last Saturday was TB’s and my second date. I really wouldn’t consider it a date though. My idea of a date is dinner and a movie and so on and so forth. Instead, we crashed at his dorm and watched a movie…The Queen. I saw it before, but I pretended I didn’t because he was trying to impress me (I think). It was sweet of him to pick a movie he thought that I’d like (which I do). So there I was sitting on his bed and there he was sitting on the floor watching how Queen Elizabeth fucked up made the wrong decisions after Diana’s death. In front of us was an open box of pizza which was getting colder by the minute.

The room was a typical dorm room with white cinderblock walls and fluorescent lighting. Thank God he had a bedside lamp! Papers were strewn everywhere and he had six pillows haphazardly thrown on his bed. TB told me that his suitemates had left for the semester since none of them were taking summer classes. I noticed a poster on the wall—a poster of some Thai pop group—and they looked gay in a twinkish sort of way. He seemed so immersed in the movie and he didn’t even notice me looking at him, staring at his hair, his plastic-rimmed glasses and even taking note of how he smiled when the Queen would make a snide remark. Before I knew it, the Queen made her speech about Diana and I knew that the movie was nearly over. Then I started to panic. What would happen next? I was in his room and we’re ALONE—together!

The credits started rolling and he shut off the DVD player. He looked up at me and hopped on the bed.

“Do you wanna start studying for our tax test?” I asked.

“J”, he said, “It’s Saturday night! Let’s just have some fun.”

He grinned. I turned red.

“You owe me something” TB said

I said “Like what? money?”

I laughed nervously.

He took my hand and held it against his. “You have big hands,” he said. I just laughed. I was going out of my head. I started laughing and he began asking me why I was laughing and all I could say was NOTHING.

TB started to inch closer and closed his eyes. I kept mine wide open. I knew what was going to happen next.

HE KISSED ME.

His lips met mine and all I could think of was a) I should have worn lip gloss because my lips were dry and b) what if he starts to stick his tongue in my mouth. The funny thing was as the kiss went on I started to forget. I began to enjoy him sucking on my upper lip and feeling his breath on my face. I was falling for him. His tongue slipped in between my lips and I began to do he same to his. Then I pulled back and said, “I should go. It’s late and I have like a 40 minute drive home.” He loooked sooo disappointed and even gave me the sad puppy eyes. “Stay the night…pleazzzze,” he begged. I said I couldn’t because I have work the next day. He walked me downstairs and we were silent. He just held my hand. As we got to the main entrance, he was leaning forward to kiss me again. I leaned back. No kisses in public. “Call me once you get home. ok?” he whispered.

When I got home I regretted not staying the night. What good are 500 thread count sheets when no one is there to appreciate it with you?

On the next installment: What happened Monday night…

TB

TB saw me studying in the library as I posted my last blog. He invited me for some coffee and to review notes...(I declined)...I must admit I am attracted to him. We went to SBucks last night and I had so much fun with him. He invited me for lunch after the final exams. I said I'd think about it. I don't think I'm ready to delve into a relationship yet. The last one was wayyyy too serious. I was serious about him , but he wasn't serious about me. $$$$$ in long distance bills later...I got over him. LDR's never work out. I should have bought an LV messenger bag instead. It would have made me happier.

TB I really really really wanted to kiss you right then and there, but too many people. Sometimes being in my giant wonderful LacosteCalvinKleinPradaVuitton-filled closet sucks! Then again being outed while kissing a boy in the college library is something that I definitely won't do! OH Well!