Dear John

Dear______,

A day will come when I will no longer be part of your life. I dread the day when you start pushing me away because you could not come to terms with the real you. Because you feel that society predetermines your future or that our lifestyle is simply a choice. A day will come when I will regret never saying that I love you and I always will. I think you are the love of my life and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love everything about you--your dramas, your insecurities, the way you think you're fat when you're not.

There are many things that I don't dare say to you. I hate it when you cry. Whenever you cry, I wish I could be there to stop the tears. When your heart broke I wanted to pick up the pieces. Soon, you'll change and become someone you think you want to be--get married, have kids, be normal.

I just want you to be happy. As much as I think that turning away from what you really are is a big mistake, I don't think I can stop you.

I don't think you can ever return my love and so I choose not to do anything about it. Maybe time will come when I will have the courage to say it. I just hope it won't be too late.

Love always,

John

An Outing

I groggily made my way to the bathroom down the hall. My Mom was in the kitchen and stopped me.

"My friend Anthony says he saw you at a bar."
"Which bar?" I replied
"I don't know. Somewhere in Ybor."

I knew what she was hinting at. I didn't have to confirm it, but I figured this was the moment. She turned to walk towards then kitchen.

"Mom. Do you know...?"
"Of course I do. I was just waiting for you to tell me."

Tears welled up and I cried. My mom rushed forward and hugged me.

"I still love you. You're my son. Always remember that."

That dear readers is how I came out to my Mom without drama, without even saying 'Mom, I'm Gay.'

My Dad was more nonchalant about it saying that they've known for quite some time now and have talked about it. He said the he loved me no matter what and I will always be his son.

Well I thought it would be a lot more dramatic than that, but I guess not. They've surprised me yet again.

Insecurities

I am nowhere near an Oprah fan. My Aunt adores Oprah, even subscribes to the magazine. But I was at best indifferent. Larry King did an entire show about her weight gain. I instantly related to her. Here was this woman, so fabulously wealthy and super connected. Yet she's so ashamed about her size.

Like Oprah, my biggest insecurity is my weight. I am no twinky Asian. I wish I was. I just don't have that lean, small frame. It sucks! I have always been chubby except when I was a child. So I lost weight in high school, even made the football team. Then gained the weight back. So now I am fat again!

I need to lose lots of weight before my...25th birthday. Anyone have any advice? I've limited my diet to like 1500 calories a day. Whole grains only and more protein meals. I'm planning to change gyms so I can have a trainer. I was considering going to this doctor that specializes on weight loss. If I could take tina and coke to lose weight I would! If only it were legal...j/k.

Wish me luck guys!

Drunken Post

I was really drunk last night. Had no idea how I got home. Thank God I saw friends in the club or else I'd have to take my ass home myself.
Interesting Events of the Night:

1. Saw people I met from another club in Orlando
2. Grinding with a cute Black Boy
3. His penis was enormous!
4. Propositioned into a threesome which I politely declined.
5. Met a couple (straight) who are in an open relationship. His wife gets turned on by cute gay guys.
6. Another cute guy stepped on my Prada loafers. He apologized. We made out.

The wonders of alcohol.

Lost Voice

I feel that I have lost my voice.
Lost my footing and my anchor.
I no longer know who I am or what I want in life.
Everything has been scripted until now.
It's a quarter-life crisis.
My bff's leaving for boot camp in a few weeks and I am so saddened by it. I love him and not being able to talk to him for 6 months will prove to be quite trying. He's my wing man, my biggest critic, and my best applauder. Things have been incredibly rough for the last few months, but we managed.

As I get older, life is catching up with me. I no longer live in my bubble,no longer shielded from the world. I know what I have to do and what must be done. Yet, I am unsettled.

Right now, I just feel lost. Lost.