What now?

Now that you're back... I've no idea what to do.
Why can't you love me as much as I love you

DP

uhhh`hm```````````` i'm abit drunk but sure do miss my bf. bastard. but i love him.

I <3

I love love love this song. This is David Choi's cover. Funny he didn't change 'him' to 'her'...a song for the gay audience perhaps?!?! I kid.



So what have I been doing with myself? Well mainly working and keeping busy. I know I haven't a good blogger or cyberfriend for that matter. I write letters now to the special someone who's off to bootcamp. Yes. Letters. Primitive form of email!!!
Just because I don't write in this here blog doesn't mean I don't stalk my faves. I'm just too lazy to comment :P

I stumbled upon these words from another blogger:

"Nobody has the right to complain about their own lives.

People should stop moping in their own sadness - that they got a bad hand in life or they're unlucky. Cos then they don't make an effort to change.

We are ALL capable of being happy. But some of us just have to wait for it, or work for it.

Just cos you're overweight, or have bad skin or big bones, or a quiet voice or you're going bald, doesn't mean you should give up and whinge and whine and get depressed.

You have to make an effort to change. If you can't change what's 'wrong' with you, then you need to change your own view about it. And if you don't, then it's your own fault if you're a sad hermit for the rest of your life.

I've got a hundred things i'm working on for myself. I view myself as a bit of a mess. I'm like that. I have awful self issues and pick on everything about me - some with good reason, and some without.

There were some things i hated about myself that took a really long time to accept. I felt so unlucky. 'Why am i this way when others get it so easy?'

But once you realise that some things are beyond your control, you start to realise that there's nothing really wrong with having something or being a particular way in the first place.

It doesn't condemn you to a life of sadness. It doesn't prevent you from making good friends and being successful.

But if you can't take your mind off the bad things, when you should be striving for the good things, then it's really your own fault if life sucks."

From Mirrorboy.

I can't believe he's only 15. A precocious 15 year old. Damn I remember when I used to be one.

Remember

Sorry guys. I'm in a bad spot right now. Really missing someone who'll be gone for like 6 mos. This is my song for him.

Dear John

Dear______,

A day will come when I will no longer be part of your life. I dread the day when you start pushing me away because you could not come to terms with the real you. Because you feel that society predetermines your future or that our lifestyle is simply a choice. A day will come when I will regret never saying that I love you and I always will. I think you are the love of my life and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love everything about you--your dramas, your insecurities, the way you think you're fat when you're not.

There are many things that I don't dare say to you. I hate it when you cry. Whenever you cry, I wish I could be there to stop the tears. When your heart broke I wanted to pick up the pieces. Soon, you'll change and become someone you think you want to be--get married, have kids, be normal.

I just want you to be happy. As much as I think that turning away from what you really are is a big mistake, I don't think I can stop you.

I don't think you can ever return my love and so I choose not to do anything about it. Maybe time will come when I will have the courage to say it. I just hope it won't be too late.

Love always,

John

An Outing

I groggily made my way to the bathroom down the hall. My Mom was in the kitchen and stopped me.

"My friend Anthony says he saw you at a bar."
"Which bar?" I replied
"I don't know. Somewhere in Ybor."

I knew what she was hinting at. I didn't have to confirm it, but I figured this was the moment. She turned to walk towards then kitchen.

"Mom. Do you know...?"
"Of course I do. I was just waiting for you to tell me."

Tears welled up and I cried. My mom rushed forward and hugged me.

"I still love you. You're my son. Always remember that."

That dear readers is how I came out to my Mom without drama, without even saying 'Mom, I'm Gay.'

My Dad was more nonchalant about it saying that they've known for quite some time now and have talked about it. He said the he loved me no matter what and I will always be his son.

Well I thought it would be a lot more dramatic than that, but I guess not. They've surprised me yet again.

Insecurities

I am nowhere near an Oprah fan. My Aunt adores Oprah, even subscribes to the magazine. But I was at best indifferent. Larry King did an entire show about her weight gain. I instantly related to her. Here was this woman, so fabulously wealthy and super connected. Yet she's so ashamed about her size.

Like Oprah, my biggest insecurity is my weight. I am no twinky Asian. I wish I was. I just don't have that lean, small frame. It sucks! I have always been chubby except when I was a child. So I lost weight in high school, even made the football team. Then gained the weight back. So now I am fat again!

I need to lose lots of weight before my...25th birthday. Anyone have any advice? I've limited my diet to like 1500 calories a day. Whole grains only and more protein meals. I'm planning to change gyms so I can have a trainer. I was considering going to this doctor that specializes on weight loss. If I could take tina and coke to lose weight I would! If only it were legal...j/k.

Wish me luck guys!

Drunken Post

I was really drunk last night. Had no idea how I got home. Thank God I saw friends in the club or else I'd have to take my ass home myself.
Interesting Events of the Night:

1. Saw people I met from another club in Orlando
2. Grinding with a cute Black Boy
3. His penis was enormous!
4. Propositioned into a threesome which I politely declined.
5. Met a couple (straight) who are in an open relationship. His wife gets turned on by cute gay guys.
6. Another cute guy stepped on my Prada loafers. He apologized. We made out.

The wonders of alcohol.

Lost Voice

I feel that I have lost my voice.
Lost my footing and my anchor.
I no longer know who I am or what I want in life.
Everything has been scripted until now.
It's a quarter-life crisis.
My bff's leaving for boot camp in a few weeks and I am so saddened by it. I love him and not being able to talk to him for 6 months will prove to be quite trying. He's my wing man, my biggest critic, and my best applauder. Things have been incredibly rough for the last few months, but we managed.

As I get older, life is catching up with me. I no longer live in my bubble,no longer shielded from the world. I know what I have to do and what must be done. Yet, I am unsettled.

Right now, I just feel lost. Lost.

Wish Away

I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas =)

This year hasn't been to kind to me, but if Dorothy can remain optimistic, then so can I.

Blind Date

I've never been on one.

I have this fear of rejection and all that so I don't want to show up at a place and look like an idiot. I haven't even seen his picture! So I'm kinda hesitant about meeting him.

Blind dates. Good Idea or bad?

On an unrelated note, I'm GLAD SHE"S BACK!



I love this song. 'cuz i'm wetoddit like dut.

Ft. Lauderdale

On Halloween weekend, my bestest friend got in an auto accident. Naturally, I rushed to his side to aid and comfort him as any good friend should. The car was totally wrecked, yet he survived with only scratches on his head and hands from the shards of glass. Seeing that he was fine, we decided to take a road trip to his newly-bought house in Ft. Lauderdale.

When we got there, three hours later, he remembered that the keys to the house were in his car. The one that got wrecked. So we decided to check into the nearest hotel I can find. We ended up at the Il Lugano.
It was probably one of the nicest boutique hotels I've ever stayed in. The rooms were fabulous.


They even had Bulgari bath amenities!




Anyway, we ended up at Dudes, a gay bar across the street and my friend hooked up with this couple looking for a threesome. I decided to just walk around and see Ft. Lauderdale on Halloween night. Then I saw him.

He was a blond blue-eyed eye candy. Tall,lean, yet muscular, with his hair spiked up. He approached me. He invited me back into Dudes where he bought me a drink. I was drunkety drunk drunk drunk 4 shots later. We decided to go to to my hotel room. Once there, we decided to do the deed. He rimmed me and I rimmed him...something I thought I would never ever do! And for the first time ever, I gave up my ehem...cherry. Yes. I had hot anal sex with a hot Russian. He was the first one who I allowed to f*ck me. At first it was painful, but it felt good after a while. His c*ck was HUGE! It must've been at least 9. He kept saying how sexy I was and kept nibbling on my ear. I loved it! I really shed all my hang ups and discovered that sex with total strangers is FANTASTIC! So thank you B! Thanks for a wonderful time!

Sex Ettiquette

To the guy who I met last Wednesday night:

I do realize that NSA sex is just that. But please for the love of GOD follow these simple rules if you ever want to get laid.

1. Shower before meeting a potential sex partner.
I took the time to shower and clean every orifice. I sprayed myself with Dolce and Gabbana and smelled damned good. But you smelled like feces. You could have at least showered. I could smell the BO and it was definitely not a turn on.

2. Clean your house.
I thought gay men were suppose to be neat and tidy. You weren't. There was cat poop on your carpet! The smell of your house was overwhelming. It was a mixture of cat urine and cat poop. I wanted to puke.

3. No means NO!
When I say "this isn't happening", Don't chase after me. Even if you looked like Brad Pitt, but smelled like SHIT, I will NOT blow you.

Thanks for a ruined night. I knew I should have said yes to the other guy who showed me a face pic!

About Last Weekend

I danced in the middle of the floor, with music thumping overhead.

thud. thud. thump.

I was already buzzed from my third drink of chivas. I was surrounded by men.

Then I realized, sometimes life is about dancing with yourself and being okay with it.

Sweet.

Attraction

I have a crush on someone at work. He's cute, Chinese, tall and makes me laugh. He rides a motorcycle and looks oh so sexy when he gets on and off it. His leather jacket just make me go crazy. When we talk I just want to kiss him on his pouty, red lips. I imagine pursuing this crush since he seems to flirt back and my gaydar goes off when we talk.

But...

I'm his boss. Yep, I am his boss.

I don't wish to complicate my life at work. I don't want to break my own rules. I've already broken quite a few--including taking up smoking. But seriously, dating an employee...I can just imagine what would happen. Sexual harassment suits and all that.

If my head keeps on arguing against it, then why do I keep asking the What if's?...

What if I did kiss him?
What if he kissed me?
What if he did ask me out?

It's another slippery slope.

Slippery Slope

One wrong decision in life can lead to circumstances of which you have no control. One bad choice might lead to another. This is what I have tried to avoid--the slippery slope. My friend Eric, on the other hand, is admittedly spontaneous and a little dense. He fell in love with his boss (who was straight), moved in with him and basically became the sugar mama. Eric paid for everything including the drugs which they used. The relationship finally broke up in June, much to my relief. But the repercussions are still being felt--only by Eric.

He was fired from his job because he did something illegal.

Now there's even more drama, he got a girl pregnant. Against my Catholic sensibilities, I advised the girl to get an abortion. From my assessment, it is the only sensible choice. My friend doesn't even know himself and is in no way ready for a child--neither is the mother. But still the pangs of Catholic guilt hang over me.

I love him like a brother and sometimes I just want to slap him in the face and tell him to grow up and accept who he is.

I don't need my own drama. My friends have more than enough for me to handle.

I tried that luv thing for the last time.

This is how I feel right now. I feel a song coming on...

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How did you get here
Nobody's supposed to be here
I've tried that love thing for the last time
My heart said no, no
Nobody's suppose to be here
But you came along and changed my mind

I've spent all my life
On a search to find
The love who'll stay for eternity
That heaven sent to fulfill my needs
But when I turn around
Again love has knocked me down
My heart got broke and oh it hurts so bad
I'm sad to say love wins again

So I placed my heart under lock and key
To take some time and take care of me
But I turn around and you're standing here

This time I swear I'm through
But if only you knew
How many times I've said those words
Then fall again, when will I ever learn

Knowing these tears I cry
There's probably black butterflies
Must take a chance
And spread my wings
Love can make ya do some crazy things

A Visitation

I just got home from an evening with a former chatmate and my best friend. Chatmate was in town on business and contacted us saying he wanted to meet.

It was one of the best evenings ever. He's really a catch! Seriously though, he's intelligent, witty, humble, and cute! But I would put him in the 'friend' category. There just was no spark. He was all over my best though, caressing his arm, the lingering looks. I think they would make a great match except he lives up North and my friend lives down here. Long distance relationships never work out.

Dinner was fantastic with delicious freshly grilled seafood with a view of the water and sunset. Chatmate wanted to check out the nonexistent gay scene in Tampa, which I obliged. The first gay bar was empty and the other gay bar was closed.

We ended up in Starbucks.

He regaled us with stories about San Francisco, his hometown, and I was enthralled. I wish I could live in San Francisco. It seems like a magical city. He confirmed the feeling I got when I visited there. It felt like home. I really want to move there even more so than before.

Dallas Mini Birthday Vacation

This post is long overdue. I spent my birthday weekend this month in Dallas. It was a blast! I am seriously thinking about moving there after I graduate this December (FINALLY!).

Stayed in a typical hotel room by Westin which I shared with my best friends. Beds were uber-comfortable and they even had a double-headed...shower!

I really didn't take very many pictures of my own beacuse:
a) my camera sucks
b) i wasn't in a picture-taking mood
c) the rest of my friends did all the 'kodakan'

We ate at Palomino's which is a great restaurant at a street which I now forgot. I had the paella. It was fantastic.

Then we met up with a friend of a friend--Marian and went clubbing at Purgatory. It was a straight club so I didn't dance as much as I wanted to. I still get self-conscious.

The next day I shopped 'til I dropped at NorthPark Mall which is a very beautiful place and paid a visit at Neiman on Main St. where I added Pradas to my small shoe collection. NorthPark Mall always has ongoing art exhibitions and this time it was sculptures out of cans. This one called 'chicken of the sea'...like the tuna.


That night, we went clubbin' at Station 4, probably one of the best gay clubs I've been to. It has a good mix of people and races. The tunes were awesome and I of course shook my booty to Lola Cyndi.

I even danced with some very very gorgeous men. I got drunk. You'll know I'm drunk when I start grindin' on a stranger's crotch. My friend got even drunker. I started talking like Patsy Stone and that was it. Apparently, the highlight of the night was when my friend D kissed his Thai crush! It was a kilig moment!

The next day we visited Six Flags Over Texas.

I don't do roller coasters, but somehow my friends convinced me to ride the Texas Giant. It was probably one of the roughest rides of my life. I was bruised by the end of the ride. I saw the cutest Half Asian Everr! He was so cute and he was PLU! I was too intimidated to flirt! Oh Well at least I took a picture of the Green Lantern!

And What a Lantern it is!

We finished the night by eating at Nick and Sam's, one of THE BEST steakhouses in Dallas. the waiters were beautiful, the wine was excellent, and the chateaubriand melted in your mouth.

All in all, it was the best birthday EVER!

Next year we plan to take a bite out of the Big Apple...

BIG G

I'm currently blogging from the Westin Hotel in downtown Dallas. I've just finished eating a sumptuous dinner at Palomino's when two gays, one dressed in a yuppie attire and the other--dressed in a peach-colored woman's top with matching peach jacket and rouged face, walked in.

Damn! I told my friend he/she could have at least worn a nice Chanel suit and some cheap outfit. If you're gonna be a tranny, might as well live it to the fullest. Dallas is full of gays. I have never seen more gays, except in San Francisco. Big D should be renamed Big G--Gaytown.

Dallas is fine, but it's kinda dead at night. Am waiting for a local friend to show me around town later tonight.

Palomino's was great! The tilapia my friend ordered was fantastic. I had the paella. Will post pics later. Gotta shower now. Ciao!

~~~

On a separate note, I got an outsider's point of view when Empress Maruja blogged about the Democratic and Republican conventions. Interesting!