Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Real Love

I was reading Reyna Elena's post and found out about Kik’s little project about writing something based on our own experiences with m2m love and relationships.

Here’s mine.

A few years ago, when I first moved to Florida from the place where I grew up, the pangs of loneliness and despair were thick and palpable. I had fleeting experiences with the same sex before, but never engaged in a full-on relationship. I had never loved a man. Then I discovered the world of Yahoo chat rooms.

I connected with so many people and some remain close friends to this day. It was the first time that I really explored and finally admitted to myself about my sexuality. Anyway, it was then that I met Bill. He was the STAR of the chat room. He was the darling, the one who would hold shows…you know what type of shows they were. I was instantly smitten. Plus, the fact that I had never been with a Pinoy really turned me on. Bill and I eventually forged an online relationship and I fell hard. I treated it as if it was a real relationship. Sadly, he didn’t reciprocate. It was a few weeks later that I learned that he had a new boyfriend in Manila. I cried for days on end. He explained that we should have an open relationship. I turned a blind eye. I was so determined that I would have him back and that he would be mine. He would say again and again that he loved me.

Letting go was not an option.

Eventually, I did let go with the help of friends who finally made me see the light. Unfortunately, whenever he would im me and turn on his cam, I turned to mush and granted his every wish.

I finally met him in person when I visited Manila. He insisted that he meet me late one night. I’ll never forget that night when I finally saw him in the flesh. Yes, we had sex and it was fantastic. But it was only sex for him. It was making love for me.

A week later~~
It was my last night in Manila and my flight was leaving in a few hours. I had just finished dinner with J, a friend who took time off to guide me through the city. He even offered to take me to the airport. I said no; thinking that Bill would take me. I called and called and sent text messages to Bill’s number. There was no reply. I realized that it was the end. I cried and cried and finally called a very good friend who was in town. I tearfully told my story. I don’t know what I would have done without him.
I had been so foolish. I neglected to see the people who really loved me for who I am and not for what I have. I regret not letting J take me to the airport. I regret not making a move on J who is one of the sweetest guys I know.

So, what I had was not a real love. What I had was…well I don’t know. Now that I’m older and wiser (I hope!), I don’t put my heart as much out there as I used to. Gone are the days when “I love you’s” were said after a date or a conversation.

I am lucky in my relationship now. I don’t know if it will last. No one really knows what the future holds. But what I do know is that I love. Even after all the heartaches, I still love. We move on. We have to.

Real Love is out there. But just like snow, it can only form when the circumstances are just right. And if you’re truly lucky, just like snow, it’ll fall from the sky on the greyest of grey days.

Visit Mandaya Moore-Orlis for a great post on this topic.

Saturday, 19 January 2008

In Spite of Me

I looked at his face in the darkness of the room. I was lying next to him and he was breathing deeply, not snoring. Just breathing deeply. I kissed him lightly on the lips and it startled him.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked groggily.

“Nothing. Go back to sleep.”

He nestled in closer to my face and intertwined his hands with mine.
At that moment I knew that I loved him.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you too.” He said.

We kissed deeply and I was giddy with delight.

I didn’t even notice that his hand had crept into my pants and my special no-no spot.

What pushed me to do this? Well, several of you made comments about my previous post urging me to give it a whirl and take the plunge.

But no.

That wasn’t the deciding factor.

We had a fight last weekend in which he gave me the cold shoulder treatment. As he perused his law books, I couldn’t help but notice how cute he looked.

I love the way he smells
I love the way his eyes twinkle when he laughs.
I love it when he holds my hand under the table
I love it when he laughs at my stupid jokes, the way he undercuts my cynicism.
I love when he wakes me up in the wee hours to make love before he goes to work.

Then why couldn’t I say it?

Then all of the sudden, as I was looking for my favorite Coke Zero in the local grocery store. This song started playing…

And that my friends, is what made me say I Love You.

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

the Sam Saga Continues

I've been spending an inordinate amount of time with Sam lately. I still don't know what we are. We haven't discussed exclusivity or anything like that. The first time we met after his three-week vacation in Thailand was electric. I came over his apartment to return his keys and drop off his mail. As soon as I walked into the door, he hugged me and we kissed. Eventually we found our way to his bed. The sex was amazing. As he reached the throes of orgasm, he blurted "I love you."

I was silent. I'm hoping he didn't notice that I didn't say it back.

He took me out to dinner last night and he answered what had been bugging my mind.

"Why me?" I asked while cutting into my veal.

"What do yo mean?"

"What do you like so much about me?"

"You always know how to make me laugh." he said matter-of-factly.

I smiled and held his hand under the table. It's our thing. We hold hands under the table.

It still doesn't quell certain anxieties which I am experiencing. I am always on guard that this relationship could end at any moment. Also, what happens at the end of the year when I do graduate and decide to move to another city. So many questions. Then again I am overanalyzing things.

Sometimes it's best to just enjoy the moment.

Tuesday, 8 January 2008

Looking Forward

I think 2008 will be the year of change. It'll be one of those defining years.

First, my very first Godchild will be born. Her name will be Isabella.

Second, I'll be finished with my undergrad in accounting. It's about time.

Third, Boosh will finally leave office.

Fourth, A Democrat will be President again. Go Barack!

and lastly, my gals are coming back!