Tuesday, 22 January 2008

Real Love

I was reading Reyna Elena's post and found out about Kik’s little project about writing something based on our own experiences with m2m love and relationships.

Here’s mine.

A few years ago, when I first moved to Florida from the place where I grew up, the pangs of loneliness and despair were thick and palpable. I had fleeting experiences with the same sex before, but never engaged in a full-on relationship. I had never loved a man. Then I discovered the world of Yahoo chat rooms.

I connected with so many people and some remain close friends to this day. It was the first time that I really explored and finally admitted to myself about my sexuality. Anyway, it was then that I met Bill. He was the STAR of the chat room. He was the darling, the one who would hold shows…you know what type of shows they were. I was instantly smitten. Plus, the fact that I had never been with a Pinoy really turned me on. Bill and I eventually forged an online relationship and I fell hard. I treated it as if it was a real relationship. Sadly, he didn’t reciprocate. It was a few weeks later that I learned that he had a new boyfriend in Manila. I cried for days on end. He explained that we should have an open relationship. I turned a blind eye. I was so determined that I would have him back and that he would be mine. He would say again and again that he loved me.

Letting go was not an option.

Eventually, I did let go with the help of friends who finally made me see the light. Unfortunately, whenever he would im me and turn on his cam, I turned to mush and granted his every wish.

I finally met him in person when I visited Manila. He insisted that he meet me late one night. I’ll never forget that night when I finally saw him in the flesh. Yes, we had sex and it was fantastic. But it was only sex for him. It was making love for me.

A week later~~
It was my last night in Manila and my flight was leaving in a few hours. I had just finished dinner with J, a friend who took time off to guide me through the city. He even offered to take me to the airport. I said no; thinking that Bill would take me. I called and called and sent text messages to Bill’s number. There was no reply. I realized that it was the end. I cried and cried and finally called a very good friend who was in town. I tearfully told my story. I don’t know what I would have done without him.
I had been so foolish. I neglected to see the people who really loved me for who I am and not for what I have. I regret not letting J take me to the airport. I regret not making a move on J who is one of the sweetest guys I know.

So, what I had was not a real love. What I had was…well I don’t know. Now that I’m older and wiser (I hope!), I don’t put my heart as much out there as I used to. Gone are the days when “I love you’s” were said after a date or a conversation.

I am lucky in my relationship now. I don’t know if it will last. No one really knows what the future holds. But what I do know is that I love. Even after all the heartaches, I still love. We move on. We have to.

Real Love is out there. But just like snow, it can only form when the circumstances are just right. And if you’re truly lucky, just like snow, it’ll fall from the sky on the greyest of grey days.

Visit Mandaya Moore-Orlis for a great post on this topic.


reynz said...

that's the thing between me and marc, to me it was love, to him it was just sex. now, sex for almost 5 years or more? maybe my marc was different.

i hate that feeling love and sex you know...

Anonymous said...

Windang come ang storyline mo, Mare. Pero, parang nandiyan na sa tabi mo ang Real Love, tama ba ako?

Anonymous said...

As I was reading your entry I can really feel the sadness that you had to go through. I guess all of us had that kind of situation that you had before. But it also makes us stronger and what we are right now. I would say that I am lucky now that I am given a chance to experience what is really to love and be loved. And I think I do deserve it after all of heartbreaks and tears in the past. In reality, there is always someone for each one of us. It may not be today but who knows it might be tomorrow or in the near future.

Kiks Phulumulu said...

the virtual sadness that comes with virtual "love".

but yes, you're right. it will come.

and it did. to you.

Bryan Anthony the First said...

i say, loving until the day we die keeps us alive

joelmcvie said...

Off-topic... uhm, season 7 na po ang show ko. =)

I love how common our experiences are of being hard-headed and stubborn and thinking that letting go is not an option. Ah, the folly of youth. =)

MANDAYA MOORE: Ang bayot sa bukid said...

special mention talaga ako? salamat!

Rachel said...

I feel that effemmes are finding it harder to thrive in this society. More so, getting a partner who is real as opposed to those discreet and straight-looking/acting homo persons. For one, while the niche of effemmes are the sounding-straight men, the pa-men's are rejoicing amongst themselves. Given this kind of market for effemmes I have this great frustration that we are always on the brink of maltreatment and exploitation, add to that the stigma that the society inflicts and the oppression that one feels.

Talking about love in this kind of relationship we all agreed that most are fugitive, fly-by-night, fugacious, passing, perishable, and provisional partners. Speaking of perishable you really have to consume them before they expire! From this momentary bliss we cherish whatever the status-quo is because we recognize the inevitability of its end. One has to treasure the moment and live. Simply live. Enjoy. This is an ephemeral relationship. One has to live its episodes. Be prepared for its spasmodic nature.


mraunch said...

off-topic uli

the newest address... themanilaraunch.blogspot.com

John Halcyon von Rothschild said...

@reynz- well think of it this way, at least some out there thinks you're sexy.

@empress- korek ka dyan!

@chase- i truly believe that all life experiences eventually make us a stronger and wiser person.

@kiks. virtual, yet it was very very real. my pocketbook certainly felt it.

@bryan- u know Edith Piaf's advice to young girls was "Aimer, Aimer, Aimer" "Love, Love, Love"

@mcvie- sorry. i really should update that. yes, the folly of youth. no one is immune from it.

@mandaya- u really should write a book. short stories about your experiences there in the bukid.

@rachel- i agree with you. i do not discriminate against effemes, drag queens post op or pre op trannies, etc etc, Let's face it. We all like the cock and I'm all for that.

@mraunch- Noted.